I am spending my child support on dildos
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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