White coat. Heels.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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