Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
