i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
