just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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