I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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