I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
