mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
