i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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