Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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