i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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