dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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