Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize