the condom got lost in my hair
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
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