My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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