Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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