I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
