I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
