awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
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