I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We are all done wearing pants today
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
