I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
