she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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