so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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