I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
