Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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