She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
