Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
