i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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