At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
