Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
