I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
