Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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