my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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