I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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