I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
