You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
