mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
