My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
