On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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