he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
