I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
