A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
