i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
