so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
