you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
