3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
