dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
