just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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