Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Your penis caused this!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize