How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
