she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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