guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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