Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
