4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
